More trouble with that fucked up Direct Energy

Damn! Can I write me a letter. I hope Direct Energy dies with the rest of the bad companies getting flushed down the toilet these days. Here's the letter I had to write to them today. I hate that company and it is now my goal to make sure everyone in the world knows why. This is the first volley...

Reference number: 236563020

To whomever this may concern...

I am beyond displeased with your company and this letter is to make it very clear. Last month I called and was beyond patient and understanding with your representatives, yet you still managed to muck things up. Here is my scenario...

I have not been at all pleased with your company for most of the time I have been a customer. There was a big billing screw-up a while back that was completely your company's fault where I was treated like crap and ultimately vindicated. (I have every bit of it documented and will be more than happy to provide it to show I am not just some loony-bin candidate who can never be pleased.) I was exceptionally patient then and have been all the way up until now.

Then my initial time period ran out and my locked-in rate went to a variable rate increasing my first month on the new plan from the 13.5 cents a kilowatt-hour where I was locked in, to 18.5 cents. I called and tried to negotiate a new locked-in rate so I was never caught so off guard again and was told that only new customers could lock in a rate. I said that would be ok with me if that is what the policy was, and I would change my status from current customer to former customer. Your employee was nonchalant about losing business, so I did just that. My new company locked me into a rate of 12.5 cents an hour for the next two years.

I had two accounts with Direct Energy; one for my house 3194172, and one for my shop/security light 3193453. The house account was turned off and switched to the new company without incident. The shop account though never got canceled with Direct Energy.

So last month comes around and I realized this. It didn’t take much complicated thinking to figure it out correctly, but for a couple months I had been getting double-billed on that meter. That was when I called your company to straighten things out. I explained very patiently that I figured it was a simple paperwork mix-up and I wasn't at all upset (which I wasn't at the time). I also said that while it was absolutely unfair that I was getting double-billed, the shop is a pretty small bill and I wouldn't mind squaring up whatever balance your company claimed I owed as long as I got no further bills. I wanted my association with your company to be ceased permanently as of that phone call. I'll be more than happy if you actually find that phone call and listen to it because you will find that I was indescribably gracious and accommodating while explaining the situation. Geez! I don’t even think I cussed even though I would have been more than justified in doing so.

Needless to say, your company apparently doesn’t trust it’s employees to make decisions and do the right thing, so I had to talk to a manager – which I did. AGAIN, I had to explain everything and AGAIN I was beyond easy to deal with. In fact, I don’t believe I am exaggerating at all when I pronounce the bold statement that I am, in fact, a dream customer; especially when you consider that I am an extremely scorned customer at that.

So I paid my bill and was at a zero balance, I had made it clear that I wanted my account closed because I had moved on to a different company, I had shown clearly that I was being double billed unfairly, and I thought that was the end of it. That was on the 30th of October. Then yesterday the mailman brings my mail and there is a bill from your company. I opened it figuring I was going to see a zero balance and a reflection of the fact that I had requested my account be closed. Instead I was greeted with a new balance of $7.26 and not one bit of mention that this would be the last bill or that the account had been closed…nothing. (Not to mention that I was charged close to 50 cents a kilowatt hour and that is a price so high you should be ashamed of yourself for charging it.) And to add insult to injury, the meter was read on the 31st of October – the day AFTER I made the phone call to your company.

So what is a guy like me to do?

The first thing I did was pay that $7.26 you fraudulently claim I owe. This insures I keep the upper hand. Second, this letter is my clearest statement ever – CLOSE MY ACCOUNT! I will not, from this moment forward, ever give a single penny to your horrible company. I do not care at all what you may try to do to me. It’s pride and principle at this point that’s having it’s testicles kicked in and you folks shouldn’t be able to get away with these bad business practices you continue to employ.

I know as well as you do that these are trying times. People will go through all manner of hoops to keep from getting a bad mark on their credit history and businesses that operate under shady practices like yours does know damn well they have the upper hand when it comes to such matters. I am not that easy. Already I have had to get my blood pressure up AGAIN over your company’s inability to do things right and this could have been settled so simply. It should have been, “Jeff, we greatly appreciate your understanding and patience and apologize for all of this. Consider this taken care of and hopefully in the future, should you need a new electric provider, you’ll consider returning to Direct Energy.” Instead, it was a big FUCK YOU, Jeff.

Simply unacceptable.

So from now on, I will no longer refrain from cussing or make any attempt at civility with your shitbag company. In fact, I am going to take much pride in telling every single person I ever encounter how fucked up your company is. I am going to take great pleasure in detailing how your company likes to stick the sloppy cock of bad commerce practices in a person’s mouth and face-fuck ‘em until there is nothing but an ugly, sticky mess left. No one likes a company that picks on the little guy and THIS little guy does stand-up comedy so this story will go over great. I don’t owe you not one ounce of consideration for your business and you certainly don’t make any effort to earn it.

While the overwhelming temptation is to grab the first Direct Energy representative I can get my hands on and beating the fucking tar out of the poor, hapless bastard so your company will HAVE to address me, it simply is not my style. But I am indeed going to be going out of my way to vent off my frustrations with my incredibly engaging ability to write. Letters to papers. Postings on the net. Videos on youtube. Word of mouth to friends and audiences all over the south where I tell jokes. Direct Energy’s reputation has a giant target on it and I am an excellent shot with nothing to lose. This will be my reputation. Consider me a walking billboard for every energy company in the world that competes with you.

Also, your practices are so shitty that I may have to go out of my way to begin a campaign against your company with the Better Business Bureau and any Chamber of Commerce I can find that deals with your company. I am a rather skilled persuader and am pretty certain that relaying my story to political-type organizations would directly impact your business. Nobody wants to be on the side of the big-business-beating-up-on-the-little-guy assholes where you stand – especially in such trying times as these. Little people like myself may do a ton to keep their credit reports clean which keeps you with the upper hand, but we have the edge when it comes to making the final tally is such trying times as these. I work in the power industry for a QSE in Texas and know the profit margins these days, so I am fully aware of how little it would take to make a huge dent on your bottom line. In fact, nothing would be able to make my dick harder than seeing your company go out of business forever. Trust me, if you treat other customers the way I have been treated, noone will miss you.

I hope you get the point by now. I’m fed up and against the wall so I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I paid your fucking bullshit bill and never want to hear from you turd-eatin’ fuckheads again. If I do, I intend to go for the throat and will never stop. A huge lawsuit over less than a hundred dollars will be mine for the winning so don’t fuck with me. Don’t try some bullshit to stop me from telling my story as I have stated my intention to do. You will lose because I have nothing to lose. Consider this the end, make sure my account is closed, and unless you are ready to suck me off and eat my asshole to buy my forgiveness, don’t bother making an attempt to say you are sorry. You should’ve said that long ago when I was still patient and nice, not after I am all pissed off.

Here’s to ruining your company.

Now, disappear.

P.S. Oh, and to prove I’m not bullshitting you, here’s my blogpost from the last time you slimy, used tampons fucked with me.

http://jeffthecomic.blogspot.com/2007/04/letter-to-direct-energy-customer.html
http://jeffthecomic.blogspot.com/2007/05/direct-energys-response-to-my-letter.html

An open letter to Babette Cole...

I recently received a comment on one of my videos on youtube.com. Here is the video and my reply...



"I don't mean go out and get violent; but at the same time you should never be nonviolent unless you run into some nonviolence. I'm nonviolent with those who are nonviolent with me. But when you drop that violence on me, then you've made me go insane, and I'm not responsible for what I do." – Malcolm X

"I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don't believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn't want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I'm not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn't know how to return the treatment." – Malcolm X

Babette Cole,
I don’t normally go about beginning a letter with a quote, but for some reason I feel that, in this case at least, it is somewhat appropriate considering how you go about business and how I feel about it. I’ve spent the last week considering what it is you said to me, what it is you posted as a comment about my video on youtube.com, and the potential consequences of what I am about to write to you, and in the last week I have had a bit of hardening over what you have done. Had you come to me in the first place and said something to the tune of…

Hello, Jeff. This is Babette Cole and I recently became aware of the video with you reading my book at a comedy club. Needless to say, your rendition of my fine work is not exactly what I intended for it and your audience is not the one I was aiming for either. From my own perspective, I didn’t so much get the humor but I can see that others do and I can respect that while disagreeing with it. (It’s obvious you’re very intelligent.) Thing is, your version is really a bit naughty and way over the top for what I had in mind. I thought about it a good deal and I can see where you are coming from as well - it’s just that I would really rather you not use my book in your comedy performance. In my opinion, it diminishes the value of my book, my thoughts, and my intentions when you so blatantly make fun of it as you do. It also feels very much like a personal attack – whether you intended it to be or not. While I appreciate what you are doing, I am asking you to please remove the video of you reading my book from youtube.com (and any place else it may be residing) and stop reading it the way you do. Thank you a million times over for doing what I have asked of you.

Then there is a good chance I would have never thought twice about doing what you had asked me to do. You didn’t give me the chance to make a choice. You didn’t give me the chance to be the bigger man, the good guy. Nope, you chose to go straight for the guns and as such, my guns are also out, aimed to destroy, and absolutely NOT willing to back down. You did that, and you are going to have to live with and accept the consequences.

I’m actually a fan of your work and from your work I can glean that you are a left leaning person who believes in respect of others and treating each other well and the like, so it was with great astonishment that I read your note. You could have treated me like a human and I could have responded like a human, but this crap you pulled…

To be honest, a simple, “go fuck yourself, lady,” would have been sufficient and complete in most any way measurable, but I want you to know damn well why I feel like I do; so take this beat-down, this bitch-smacking if you will, and never bother me again…EVER!

And should you and your lawyers decide that you feel the urge, the need in fact, to pursue me and this ill-advised endeavor of yours any further after reading this letter, understand I will greatly and excitedly be looking forward to seeing the empty look on your faces when the jury also tells you to go fuck yourself.

Here’s your words…
“Stuthestoner.Please be very carefull how you misinterpret text for your own gain.You are infringing Copywright and Liable laws.My Publisher, Random House, and myself are taking legal advice .You would be advised to remove this video from the media forthwith.Babette Cole”

“This book is a best seller . It is designed to help children understand puberty.I would like everyone to know that the reader is deleiberatly misinterpreting the text for his own gain.I and my publisher are most offended and upset.Legal advice is being taken. The laughter is "canned" as a voice over.Liable and Copyright laws may be in question .Babette Cole”

There’s so much here…where to start?
Let’s start with what the law actually says…
Copyright – I’m pretty sure I don’t need to explain copyright to your lawyer. Not so sure about you, but your lawyer can catch you up. But let’s talk some deeper law here…

The United States signed onto the Berne Convention treaty in 1988 – 102 years after the original treaty was signed – with the exception that the United States does not recognize the moral clause (article 6). What that means is that the copyright holder of a work cannot “object to any distortion, mutilation, or other modification of, or other derogatory action in relation to, the said work, which would be prejudicial to his honor or reputation."

There’s that little thing we feel is rather important called the First Amendment and that is the reason the exception was made. (And don’t try trampling on the First Amendment because believe me when I tell you this, were it not for that thing, your book would have been burned long before it made it to the presses. A lot of your books actually…)

So how does that relate to our little disagreement here? Simple. Were I sitting before a room full of 3-5 year olds and reading your book, you wouldn’t have the slightest objection to it as that’s the intended audience. Instead, I am reading the book to grown adults in a room, secured from kids, who are laughing. You object not to the fact that I AM reading your book, but the manner in which I am reading it – thus the sentences “It is designed to help children understand puberty” and “I and my publisher are most offended and upset” – the former being an explanation of the latter. Simply put, you do NOT get to dictate my morals any more than I am dictating yours - which I am not.

And then there’s section 107 which provides for the fair use doctrine of copyright law and the express protection of parody among other uses. I found this to help explain…
“It has been a long-standing practice to poke fun at our cultural icons, symbols, public figures and celebrities. A parody exists when one imitates a serious piece of work, such as literature, music or artwork, for a humorous or satirical effect. Parody, as a method of criticism, has been a very popular means for authors, entertainers and advertisers to communicate a particular message or point of view to the public.
A parody, because it is a method of criticism, must inevitably make use of another creative work. This inherently creates a conflict between the creator of the work that is being parodied (as no one likes to be criticized, made fun of or ridiculed) and the creator of the parody. It is also highly unlikely that a copyright owner will grant permission or a license to a parodist to use their copyright protected work in creating a parody.”
That said, there are four factors used to determine fair use…
1. Purpose and character of use. Three things must be considered…
a. Has the new work been created for commercial or noncommercial purposes?
i. To date, I have not made a single penny performing the joke. The video you saw was me at an open mic and there is no commercial benefit to myself. That is an irrelevant issue though because the Supreme Court cases that have established precedent in this area have expressly stated that a work can indeed be produced for commercial purposes. To date, it is true I haven’t, but so what if I make money off it? Really, so what? You write those books and draw those pictures for your own gain. Is it really so wrong to do something for gain?
b. Does the user's use of the copyrighted work conform to the fair use purposes as set forth in Section 107; i.e., criticism, comment, scholarship, research, news reporting or teaching?
i. You’d better believe it does as it is obvious by your level of offense that I was criticizing your book.
c. What is the degree of transformation from the purpose or function of the copyrighted work as compared to the purpose or function of the new work? “This criterion analyzes the degree of transformation accomplished by the new work by determining whether the new work has a different purpose or different character than that of the original copyrighted work. For example, does a parody accomplish a transformative purpose by adding something entirely new to the copyrighted work or does the new work only supplant the original copyrighted work? Therefore, the crucial issue in ascertaining the transformative nature of the new work is whether the parody has altered the copyrighted work by adding new expression and meaning to the original copyrighted work.”
i. Again, using your own words, I can expressly state that I have certainly made it past this test. You claim I am “deleiberatly misinterpreting the text” “designed to help children understand puberty”. I took what was supposed to be a clean, family friendly text intended for an audience of 3-5 year olds and changed the substance of it with voice inflection techniques and a clever aside here and there. I did not change a single word. I read it as it is and let the adults I intended it for make up their own mind about it.
(It might please you to know though that I have had many people come to me that wanted to see the book for themselves because they believed there was no way someone REALLY made such a thing. There has also been many who have gone on to purchase their own copy, as I did, either to laugh at with their friends or show to their own children, or both. Either way, by completely changing the context of the original, as you freely admit I did, I have clearly made a completely new work of art out of yours – an original protected by the fair use doctrine.)
2. Nature of the copyrighted work
a. “The second fair use factor, the nature of the copyrighted work, recognizes that certain types of works are simply more deserving of copyright protection than other types of works and consequently establishes the scope of copyright protection that should be afforded the original copyrighted work. The scope of fair use is greater for an "informational work" that is designed to inform or educate, such as a work of facts, information, scholarship or news reporting, than it is for a more "creative work", such as a work of fiction, art or music, that is designed to provide entertainment. Another important consideration is whether the original copyrighted work has been published or remains unpublished as the courts have been far less willing to sanction as fair use the unauthorized taking of an unpublished work.”
i. Again, by your own admission, “It is designed to help children understand puberty” making it an “informational work” designed to inform or educate thus broadening the scope for fair use.
3. Amount and Substantiality of the Portion Used of the Copyrighted Work
a. What this takes into account is not just the quantity of material copied, but also it’s quality and importance in relation to the new work. When looking at this one, courts have to decide if more was taken than necessary to achieve the intended purpose for copying in the first place.
i. In my case here, I used the entire book, word for word and had to because I was specifically trying NOT to misrepresent what the pages said. I wanted to put my own slant, the way I saw it, out for people to interpret for themselves. It is NOT an indictment of your intention or yourself. It is an indictment of the outcome.
4. The Effect Upon the Potential Market or Value of the Copyrighted Work.
a. The fourth factor analyzes the extent of harm that is caused by the new work to the market or potential market for the original copyrighted work.
i. Again, by your own admission, your work is intended for children ONLY and mine is clearly not. Since I am not going to be sharing this with children, the potential for negative market impact specifically as you intended it, and as a reasonable person could also assume, does not exist. If anything, it could be fairly assumed that my performance has opened up your book to an entirely new audience who would not have otherwise been exposed to such a work and if anything, it has increased the current and potential market value of the original work.
Should I continue? Have you had enough yet?
That is copyright law and fair use and I think only a fool would challenge my use of your book as fair use. Oh, and then there’s that pesky First Amendment thing too. You are, by your own admission, a best selling author and a successful public figure which, by that whole pesky First Amendment thing, makes you and all your work fair game for ridicule under any circumstance. Again, I’m not making jokes about your intention; I’m quite sure your heart was noble in it’s intention. I am making great fun of the outcome though. You see puberty as having an urgent need to be explained to 3-5 year olds and I, like most folks, see this and wonder what sort of sick twisted bitch thinks a 3-5 year old needs to be seeing big, hairy dicks and jizz and periods and other stuff? And this is only this book…What about Mommy Laid an Egg which I’ve also read in the exact same manner? I’m 33 years old and spent over a decade in the navy and in all my travels all over the world, I’ve never once fucked in a space hopper, or in a clown suit, or floating on balloons. Would you like to explain how teaching 3-5 year olds about where babies come from requires a graphic depiction of deviant sexual practices that are unrealistic at best? Let’s face it, you drew pictures of folks fucking for 3 year olds. You also have the page that shows the “this goes in here” graphic just in case the other horrible pictures weren’t enough. A cartoon-ish drawing, a real photo – it matters not! Showing kids what fucking looks like is still showing kids what fucking looks like (not 15 year olds, but 3-5 year olds which is your stated, intended audience) and that is what I am making fun of. Face it, if you are going to pursue this BS in court, you are going to have to answer these questions and you are NOT going to look very good because a reasonable person sees things like I do.
Honestly, I could care less what you make and show to kids. Look at me; were I not fixed and had kids, do you really think they would grow up angels? But that does not change the facts from what they are. You did your thing and I did it different, for a different audience, with different purposes in mind.
If that’s still not enough for you, there is legal precedence that is applicable to this case. Perhaps a reading of Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. (1994) would be in order. In that case, the Supreme Court stated in no uncertain terms that a parody as a form of criticism or comment could be fair use of a copyrighted work. You can also read Leibovitz v. Paramount Pictures Corp. which is a similar case. Both establish legal precedent and clearly have me covered. You don’t have to like this, but unlike yourself, I did my homework prior to opening my big, stupid mouth.
And speaking of opening big, stupid mouths without a clue about what the heck one is talking about; and since I feel I’ve completely beat to death the fact that you will lose any copyright infringement arguments, let’s talk about libel laws or, as you call them, “liable”.
First, since you clearly do not understand what it is, we must begin by understanding the answer to the question – What actually IS libel?

I found this on the net to help you out…
“libelTo publish in print (including pictures), writing or broadcast through radio, television or film, an untruth about another which will do harm to that person or his/her reputation, by tending to bring the target into ridicule, hatred, scorn or contempt of others. Libel is the written or broadcast form of defamation, distinguished from slander, which is oral defamation. It is a tort (civil wrong) making the person or entity (like a newspaper, magazine or political organization) open to a lawsuit for damages by the person who can prove the statement about him/her was a lie. Publication need only be to one person, but it must be a statement which claims to be fact and is not clearly identified as an opinion.”

Now that begs the question – How does that relate to our little spat here? It’s very simple, really. (Since Libel and Slander are both basically the same thing – Defamation – only under different mediums, I am going to use the word Defamation, but please understand I am still talking directly about what you accuse me of…)
I did not mention you, Babette Cole, except for to say that you are the author of the book I was reading aloud. That much is absolutely true. Outside of that, there never was a mention of you. Nothing I did concerned you. Again, the joke is about the outcome, not the intent. You have no grounds to even insinuate that I have made a personal attack of any manner. Your charge of defamation simply wanes like a deflated hot air balloon when held up to scrutiny and the simple realities of the law.

On the other hand, and here’s where that bit about opening big, stupid mouths comes into play, you absolutely defamed me. Here’s your words again…
“You are infringing Copywright and Liable laws.” “Liable and Copyright laws may be in question .”
“I would like everyone to know that the reader is deleiberatly misinterpreting the text for his own gain.”
“The laughter is "canned" as a voice over.”
Line by line beginning with the first two together – Let’s say I accused you of breaking the law against prostitution and told a newspaper that I routinely used to watch you break the law against prostitution. Heck, let’s just say I mentioned to someone that I HEARD you were engaging in prostitution a long time ago because rumor is enough to trigger defamation torts. There are a ton of things insinuated when a person is accused of breaking the law against prostitution – Are you a whore? Do you fuck for money? Do you walk the street? Do you have out of wedlock children due to your loose morals? Do you have abortions every month? Do you have morals? Are you disease ridden? Are you on drugs? Etc. Etc. Etc…

Let’s say I accused you of breaking the law prohibiting drug use and told a newspaper that I’ve personally seen you violate the law against drug use. Heck, let’s just say I told someone I heard you used to whoop it up with anything and everything you could imbibe. Again, there are a ton of things insinuated with such an accusation…Do you have money troubles? Do you prostitute yourself for your next fix? Do you lie? Is your house a mess? Do you beat your children? Etc. Etc. Etc…

I could go on for days, but you should get the point by now. In both of these instances, you would have a clear-cut case of defamation. All of the things I imply with a simple and short accusation could, and indeed would, damage your reputation grievously and, I assume at least, could easily be proven to be false. When you tell me I am in violation of the law (which I’ve already proven quite handily I am not) and then when you tell others I may be in violation of the law because you are so mad you just can’t slow down and think about what you are doing, you do the very thing you accuse me of. By typing what you did, the way you did, you have violated my good name in the same manner I would if I were to state that I heard you used to prostitute yourself.

When you claim I am “deleiberatly misinterpreting the text” for my own gain, you imply that I am not being truthful and accurate. Actually, I read that book word for word and in the spots where I embellished a bit, I was very clear and upfront about the embellishment. Nothing was false and nothing was misinterpreted. The interpretation may not be what you intended, but it is what it is.

But the one that hurts the worst and seals the deal is when you claim that “the laughter is "canned" as a voice over.” This one is clearly over the edge. That is REAL laughter and there is not one single thing on any of my videos that is fake. And that is a rather egregious personal attack, said with malicious intent to hurt me, mislead MY fans, and frankly, I’m still a bit sick to my stomach over it. Not finding me funny is one thing, calling me a fake is another.

Taken in whole, you managed to take 108 words (five of them being your and my names) split into two separate messages, and used 41 of them to defame me while accusing me of the same. You have now questioned my taste, insulted my performance and most of all, called into question my integrity and the value of my word. You have damaged my reputation forever and from now on I am going to have to convince a booker that I am on the level. I am sick to my stomach over this and am suffering physically because of your malicious lies and deceitful ways. My integrity and the value of my word are about the only things in the world that mean a thing to me and it is no secret – I can bring people to testify to the importance of the value of my word going back for decades. You, with your unfounded and false allegations meant to call my integrity into question, have clearly defamed me.

Do you understand the law now? Ask your lawyer if you don’t.

And one more thing before I wrap this up…
Yes, this book IS a best seller and you ARE a best selling author. So is The Bible. All three of the folks running for President have best sellers and surely you will agree that at least one of them is an idiot who is full of it. James Dobson has many best sellers. Yes, the same James Dobson that founded Focus on the Family; the gay bashing, far right wing, hateful and prejudiced group that functions in the name of God and would absolutely condemn your books on the spot. Ann Coulter writes best sellers. So does Al Gore. Shit, let’s not be so silly as to forget that Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler has outsold all of them, including yourself, combined. So what if your book is a best seller? It does not place it above reproach because it sells a bunch of copies.


So, here’s my conclusion…
There are people that think your book is the greatest thing ever and that it is a very valuable tool for teaching kids about puberty. There are also people that think your book is the most disgusting piece of pornographic bile ever conjured up in a person’s mind. Both of those groups are rather small. The very vast majority of people are a lot like myself in that they can see the practical goal you were aiming for, but also realize the practical reality of what it is, and what it is, is funny, particularly because it’s not supposed to be. It’s us folks that ridicule your outcome and laugh about it that twists your tits into a knot. Sorry, you don’t get to be the arbiter of taste. Like any other artist, you put your work out and people form their own opinions of it. Consider the Flight 93 memorial – they are fighting over the shape of the thing because some claim offense that it can be construed to look like a Muslim symbol. You think that artist that designed the thing meant any harm? Not any more than you meant. But like yourself, that artist has no say in the fact some folks are deeply hurt by his work.

And let's not forget that what has spurned my ire to the point that I am spending an entire week thinking about, and then two days writing this scurrilous and rage filled screed, is your own condemnation of MY work as an artist. Read the rest of the comments on the other videos. Some people love me. Others...not so much. It kills me deeply when someone dislikes my work, but that's the price we pay as artists. Their ability and freedom to openly criticize me without fear of reproach, the one you so joyfully employed to condemn MY work, is the very same expression in many ways as is my presentation of your book. So evil, in fact, was your revulsion to negative criticism, that you threatened me with an EXTREMELY expensive legal proceeding in a shameless game of Silence The Critic.... And let's not forget that you even stooped far beyond the level of fair and honest critique and plunged head-first into outright lies and defamation in your hideous and pathetic bid to win that game at all costs.

I would rather it not be like this between us. I don’t like being mean. I don’t even like being angry. Had you come to me kindly in the first place, I would have responded with kindness and none of this would have been necessary. Now, I understand that a lot of folks would, had you approached them kindly in the same situation as this, just laugh you off and not take you seriously. But you still serve yourself better by trying. You never gave me the chance to be the better man and that is why it has to be this way. It also doesn’t serve you well to be so wrong as you are. Had you been right, there is a good chance I would comply and just hate you for being such a fun killer. But you’re wrong, dead wrong.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in the shoes I’m in now or not, but it is not a fun place to be. It’s a daunting imposition I find myself up against. I am being threatened with very real litigation. I am being accused of very ugly things. I don’t really WANT to go to court and I don’t really WANT to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I am not the type to back down. You pressed me up to the wall. You threatened me and defamed me. And now you are going to have to forever pay for that. I will NOT remove the video from youtube.com just to make you go away. And if you somehow get youtube.com to pull it, I’ll make a thousand more. I’ll use my copy of your book with my “deleiberatly” misinterpreted text as much as I please, to whomever I please, for whatever gain personally I can get, and there’s not really one damn thing you can do about it. You want to swing the law at me, turkey, then you’d better do some homework and make sure you know what the fuck you are talking about because in this case, it’s going to miss and smack you in the back of that thick fucking head of yours.

I do not care about how much this hurts your feelings. You and your hurt feelings can jump off a fucking cliff for all I really care.

I do not feel any sort of guilt or pity for feeling as I do. You sure as shit feel no pity or love for me as evidenced by the defamatory accusations you’ve thrown at me so why the fuck should I care about you at all?

My physical and mental suffering will be long and anguished after those false and malicious defamations of my character you tossed out for mass consumption. But because I really don’t want this to have to go any further than this letter, I’ll let it slide for now.

So fuck off. Disappear. Don’t come back. Forget my name. Eat shit and die. Do whatever you have to do to live with yourself, but do it away from me. Changing your opinion and coming back to me in a kind way is out of the question at this point so wipe your ass with the idea. You should have considered that before you became a law abusing shithead who apparently knows dick about the law in the first place. You get no kindness. You don’t deserve it. You get no respect. You haven’t earned it.

And should you finish this letter and you and your law team still think you would like to pursue this fruitless, piece of crap litigation and follow through on your threats against me, understand that even though I would rather avoid court with all my heart, I will eat you and your legal team’s fucking lunch and shit it on your table. The law is on my side and since I will still be suffering both mentally and physically from the defamations I was willing to let slide for now, I will go for the throat. Big, behemoth litigators picking on Joe Little Guy with all the weight of Random House behind them will not look good and I will be looking forward to seeing that empty, sullen look on your face when you realize that your ignorant pursuit of this shit has cost you everything you own. It will, without a doubt, be the best and happiest day of my life.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Now, be gone…

If you want to get ahold of me...

myspace.com/jeffneely

The truth is, I sort of lost my flavor for doing the blog thing on account of I was talking about some shit that was probably best left out of the workplace on account of some of the shit I often preferred to talk about was certainly the sort of thing that could get a nigger fired from his job.

There was also the small fact that nobody was really ever that interested in what I had to say. Months and months of rather faithful blogging produced nothing that was really that great or said, "READ ME, MOTHER FUCKER!" At least that's what the counter was telling me. Don't get me wrong, there are some very interesting nuggets that are really well written and certainly a blast to read such as The Smelly Balls incident, but for the most part, the simple mundaneness of my life did not seem to translate too awfully well to the "paper" - especially in light of the fact that I prefer to write something with a little heft and some definite meat to it and most people that look at the shear volume of words I would often produce would look right on past it and not take the time to try. So it boils down to a matter of - is it worth the time to write so much for noone? I don't know if I have a real and fair answer to that, but I was leaning far enough to the NO to lose interest in writing a blog.

And none of that is to say that I ever stopped writing. I write mad letters and stories and shit all the time and I am constantly coming up with new jokes. I also write alot of entries for contests of writing in some form or another. Perhaps I'll get the bug back to get into blogging again some time, but for now there simply is no desire. No audience to read and bounce off of sort of highlights the futility of writing to me.

Should you bounce into this thing and feel you'd like to talk to me, the address to myspace is there and you can feel free to use it. I'm generally pretty damn decent about getting back to folks.

Well, the road goes on forever and until it loops back this way again...

There is no title - Sorry...

This morning I had to take my car in to get fixed from the wreck I was in a couple weeks ago. Some stupid fuck named Kyle plowed into the back of my still-relatively-new car as I was driving down the interstate at speed. I'm sure I'll type more about this later so I'll not delve into details, but the rental car I was given while mine is in the shop is a piece of shit Ford Focus that is tiny, uncomfortable, and NON-SMOKING as it was VERY clearly pointed out. I like to smoke when I drive and here I have to get further pushed around by people because some stupid shit face kid can't drive without taking a run at stupidest fucking asshole driver of all-time honors. So that's got me a little more than slightly upset for some reason.

And then I get home and have to go through the mail and there is a $400 tax bill I was absolutely NOT anticipating at all. I can afford it as I live within my means, but within my means means check to check and I gotta budget for a lot of stuff between now and Christmas. This has let me down further and I am even more sad about life.

My girlfriend has been sick all week and has wanted nothing to do with me. I'm ok enough with that because I am a loving, understanding kind of guy but that doesn't mean by any means that it doesn't take it's toll on your psyche after a while. Add that to everything else today and it's a mountain of sadness to carry.

I got the blues, man.

I got the blues.







So then, I don't know why I thought this was gonna be a good idea but... I just decided that I need to jack off. It always makes me feel more relaxed and all so... And then I dumped the saddest, loneliest, most pathetic and desperate nut I've ever dropped in my life. For the first time I can recall, an orgasm made me actually feel nearly suicidal.

What a day.

I am the blues...

Until some other time...

I WROTE THIS A WHILE BACK AND DON'T THINK i EVER FINISHED IT BUT HERE IT IS, FUCK IT.

I was watching the news yesterday looking for something new to write jokes about when a segment on Fox News came on that gave me pause. The segment included Geraldo Rivera in a near-violent dispute with a lady representing Mothers Against Illegal Immigration.




This lady was fucking mean. The language she used to spout her toilet-worthy rhetoric was damn near enough to bring me to tears and I said to myself at the time that later I would have to look this one up on the net. So I did.




The things that I found on their website made me hate most things about all the freedoms I take so personal and did a number on my long held belief that we should all be entitled to our opinions. These fucking morons collectively made me question that very bedrock of American society.



I would reccomend you look it up yourself. Here is a link... http://www.mothersagainstillegalaliens.org/



It may be my naivety here, but I would really like to believe these misguided women, in their hearts, are honestly trying to make some sort of improvement for their lives and the lives of the rest of us, but the words they use are full of hate and vile. They treat people that are here trying to make their own lives better as if they aren't worthy of sharing the same air as themselves and have zero concern about the circumstances that brought these people here in the first place. Try as I might though, I simply cannot get past the lessons these so-called mothers are trying to espouse.



One of the biggest problems this collective of cunts seems to have with the illegal immigrants is the issue of what they call "anchor babies". So an illegal immigrant comes into the country and wants an easy way to make it permanent. The solution (if you could call it easy) is to have a baby. Having a baby born in the states makes that baby an U.S. citizen and thereby allows the mother of the child to stay. These self-righteous bitches have all sorts of problems with this. Examples...

"MAIA refuses to allow women like Elvira Arellano to transport their children over the borders, or by deliberate and wanton impregnations - to steal public services and lay claim to U.S. Citizenship - by birthing them in the USA in order to further their demand that they should be allowed to remain in the USA regardless of their illegal immigration status or the lawful deportation and removal actions levied against them. "

"MAIA calls it like it is. “IAI” - Illegal Alien Infants
You can call them Illegal Alien Anchor Babies or Illegal Alien Infants, either way you spell it out you can count on another one being born to an Illegal Alien Female in the USA."

"Illegal Alien Females think that requirements for US citizenship are:
1 You sneak over the border.
2 You get pregnant as fast as possible, as many times as possible.
3 Use your child as your weapon of choice to “blackmail” the USA to let you stay.
4. Call every USA citizen a racist and home wrecker who wants you and your child to leave and return to your country."

"ILLEGAL ALIEN INFANT, BORN TO AN ILLEGAL ALIEN FEMALE. Sorry females, but I call it like it is. You can’t get something for free from the USA and the buck stops here!There is no such thing as birthright citizenship bestowed upon a child of a female illegally in the USA. You can not give something to someone who is not the rightful owner!The Pitty Party Stops NOW! IAI’s are Aliens TOO!"



Sorry, Shitheel but you're a first class asshole-bitch. You have to ask yourself what the fuck sort of hatred your are teaching to these kids of the U.S. that you profess so earnestly to protect? Intolerance, hatred, greed, self-righteousness among others. With a mother like you and your ilk, your kids are likely as not to turn out to be first class assholes not unlike yourself and I hope they all get ass raped by a long line of illegal immigrant anchor baby bastards later on in life or, even better, while they are young and too innocent to know better.



But this is not the end, not by any means.



See, I have long had troubles with any Mothers Against group of any type. MADD is a great example. They once, when I was a kid which hurts to say, had a great mission and a cause worthy of getting on board with. These days though, people don't drive drunk the way they used to; The message has been taught for the most part. The problem is that MADD makes a ton of money and God Forbid the money dry up so MADD is always looking for the next thing to chase after. These days, there isn't even a mom in charge of things - it's a dude! And to top that, they are no longer against only drunk driving. Read their site and you will quickly figure out that they are against all things alcohol and will not stop until there is no longer such thing as beer or wine or that dreaded heavy liquor. They are no longer worth taking serious because they take themselves too serious. Bunch of crabby old whores who need a job if you ask me.



So I got to wondering what other groups of mad mothers are out there floating around. A search for "MOTHERS AGAINST" nets some wonderful results. There is Mothers Against Violence, Mothers Against War, Mothers Against The Draft, Mothers Against Noise, Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up, Mothers Against Circumcision, Mothers Against Jesus, Mothers Against Video Game Addiction and Violence, Mothers Against Meth, Mothers Against Arpaio, Mothers Against School Hazing, Mothers Against Sexual Abuse, and many many others.



But there is one that I was reading on that sort of struck me and it is the one that eventually led to me typing this today: Mothers Against Pornography Addiction.

http://mothersagainstpornographyaddiction.blogspot.com/



There was a post on there that just about got my blood boiling.

"But the effect is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as "porn-worthy." Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention.

Here is what young women tell me on college campuses when the subject comes up: They can't compete, and they know it. For how can a real woman-with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond "More, more, you big stud!")-possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer's least specification?

For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women.

For the first time in human history, the images' power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women.



Today, real naked women are just bad porn."



What the fuck is that? Ok, here's what the group is...Apparently the husbands of these women are not paying enough attention to them and spending all their time on the net looking at porn. In turn, they have villianized porn and blame all their problems on that.

"If it weren't for porn being so available, my husband would still want me."

"If it weren't for porn being so available, my son would have gotten better grades in school."

"If it weren't for porn....blah blah blah...."



Allow me to pick apart some shit here. If a man's libido were diminished, why would he be looking at porn? The two things don't even come close. The libido is there and is as strong as ever. The problem isn't the porn, it's you. The problem is that every time your man tries to make a move your pussy hurts or you don't feel well or you have something to do or you can't believe he wants to fuck again when you fucked last week and it goes on and on and on. Why the fuck would he even want to try to chase you all over if you are going to make it so painful and degrading to the poor guy? So you don't cum, whose fault is that (YOURS!!!) and why the fuck are you taking it out on him? He is trying and trying to do all he knows the best he can every time. Why don't you try to teach him? And why don't you blow him now and again? You don't have to take it in the face, you just have to blow him. And even if that's what he wants, it's not acid. You are not going to die from it. Be there for him and he will be there for you.



Men don't ever prefer porn to pussy. EVER! They do the porn thing because you don't fuck them enough.

To my tax professional friend...

Yo, Turkeydick,

Is tax season finally over so we can write some fucking letters?

I'm getting sort of antsy here and have some decent stories to tell. Mine are full of humiliation and rape and tortuous incest and compassion and envy and greed and hot, steamy sex and dog-pound fuckin' and embarassment and shame and guilt and all manner of good things worth writing about...Occasionally in great detail.

Being in the tax business as you are, I will expect stories in return in the same manner and with the same fervor and content characteristics.

Until the tax season is dead...

Finding Elizabeth Strott...

Today I read this article on the internet and never made it past the opening line. I don't need to to be honest as it is about rising gas prices and I already can see the trend here. Don't really need any reporting on THAT thank you very much!

You see...most news is really bad writing. I think that's my problem - it's just really bad writing. So it should remain without need to be pointed out that

I go get coffee and come back to this here, completely unable to recall the flow of brilliant thought that was raing down on my keyboard here and...Oh yes! I remember...

It should remain without need to be pointed out that

FUCK! Forgot it again...

I'm just kidding. It should remain without need to be pointed out that...

Gotcha! That three times HUBBA HUBBA! OK, no more playing. Here it goes...

It should remain without need to be pointed out that

Ok really. This is the second time I forgot. The first was real because I went to get some coffee and came back and saw what I left and it took me a minute to get it back is all...And then I typed the rest while I was thinking because I am feeling stupid and

And then I type that...Jesus I've cracked. I need to get off this coffee...

Until I return...


Fuck. How about this...

If you know me at all, you don't need to be told that I am the first one to offer a compliment. I figured out that it's a lot harder to always find something nice to say to someone than it is to say something mean and I try to live by that. But I am not afraid to criticize either and I go for the throat.

No, that sucks...There's just....somthing wrong with that. Try again...

It should remain without need to be pointed out that I will occasionally go way out of my way to compliment an author on something they wrote that was good. Lord knows, from one language nut to another...that an occasional compliment on something you write that is really good is cool. It's even better when it comes from a complete stranger. Thing is, you have to write something equally, or hopefully better than, what you are talking about and therein lies the challenge.

This is the opening line I read...
"Gas prices taking a toll

The summer driving season is on its way, and consumers are feeling the heat of record prices. That sucking sound you hear at the pump is the resulting drain on the economy."

That REALLY made me want to read the rest because I thought it was hysterical (and a sense of humor is terribly gone from the press these days) and did it's job (which is to draw me in to the rest of the article). Most news articles are written good enough to do their job, but one like this is refreshing - at least to me. But then again, I can't stand Jeff Foxworthy either. Nothing personal, just not my bag.

So I was looking for a way to contact her. Most internet authors have an e-mail address link that you can find. You might have to do a tad bit of digging for a few minutes, but most of them are easy enough to get in touch with. And face it, who doesn't crave a good and salacious e-mail now and again? Me too.

This one, as it turns out, is a little hard to cantact for some (cAN-tact? Fucking idiot!) cON-tact for some reason...Ok, I didn't really make it that far into my search. Normally my resolve in these matters is fierce and I give no quarter, The third link I clicked on made me stop. I am in love. I don't exactly know if this is funny or serious or even the same person for that matter, but I think...I think you should decide for yourself. It killed me...

It is an online resume posting on a job center board for voice over talent. She is describing her voice and her ability.

"Elizabeth Strott

female, slightly damaged, raspy, Demi Moore-esque

Types of Recordings Offered

Commercials and promos for radio, TV, Internet, and related media.
Documentaries and audiobooks.
Character voices: cartoons, films, videogames, and dubbings.
IVR, voicemail, phone systems, and on-hold messages.
Business: podcasts, corporate or industrial presentations, and web sites.

Voice "Ages"

Young Adult and Middle Age.

Expanded Voice Description

Sexy and husky for commercials; warm and clear for narrations; deep and strong for documentaries.

My voice is slightly damaged, like Demi Moore's or Kathleen Turner's.

The best products for which my voice works in a commercial environment are beauty products, cars, food and anything with sex appeal.

Experience

Having always been told I have an interesting voice, I finally took a voiceover class after I graduated from college. I have a deeper, raspy voice for a woman, and I've been told I sound like Demi Moore or Kathleen Turner.

I took the class twice through NYU and then, several years later, worked at Bloomberg Radio, where I wrote and voiced stories. I worked with a private voice coach at Bloomberg and have several of my pieces on cd.

Additional Skills

I live in New York City and am located in midtown, close to many recording studios. I wrote my own radio pieces while reporting for Bloomberg, and I have studied and read many books on breathing and technique."

I don't know what I'm talking about. I thought it was funny....sorta....in a round about....

Damn coffee.

The article...
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Dispatch/GasPricesTakingAToll.aspx

And the resume...
http://voice123.com/elizabethstrott

What a morning.

Until some other time...

From an internet article...

"Rewards a mixed bunch

Though not as robust as reward programs on credit cards, debit card reward programs are still a good thing for those who use debit as an alternative to credit cards, cash or checks.

For example, the Citi ThankYou program awards one point for every $3 using a PIN and one point for every $2 spent for a signature transaction. The ThankYou program with the Citi Diamond Preferred Rewards Card gives five points for every dollar spent at grocery stores, gas stations and drugstores, and one point per dollar at every other type of retailer, including online and phone purchases.

Comerica Bank's World Perks travel rewards program has two tiers: For a $20 annual fee, cardholders earn one mile for every $2 spent, and for $55 annually, they earn one mile per dollar spent.

The variety of rewards is also broad. Washington Mutual's free checking account gives 3 cents on every purchase up to $250 per year. It also offers "WaMoola for Schools," which earns a point per purchase for the designated school. Points are converted to cash once a year and donated to the school.

Chase has three types of debit card awards. Debiters can earn miles with a Continental Airlines Banking Card (two tiers: $25 annual fee equals one mile for every $2 spent; $65 annual fee brings one mile per dollar) or a United Mileage Plus Check Card ($25 annual fee, one mile per $2 spent). Or they can sign up for free for Chase Visa Extras, which gives one point for every dollar spent on qualifying purchases."

And it goes on and on and on and on....JESUS! How do you write that shit and not kill yourself? You have to have what is possibly one of the worst jobs ever created to feed a man and buy him a house and pay for his wife's shopping so maybe he can get some pussy now and again.

It IS an informative article though and will teach you the valuable significance of having a REWARDS program as I do - and knowing the difference between a PIN and a signature transaction when using your debit card. I'm gonna get that table lamp some day!

Anyhow, to read the rest...

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/BetterBanking/DebitCardsAGoodDealGetsBetter.aspx

Direct Energy's response to my letter...

In case you haven't read the letter I wrote to Direct Energy, you should read it first. Scroll down to the previous post and you will find it.

I'm no longer pissed or annoyed over the incompetence I encountered in my dealings with their collections department. I'm a rational guy and can deal with my emotions and mellow out real fast and easy. Of course in fairness, it may have more to do with copious amounts of opiate based narcotics of various strengths and combinations that I have imbibed over the last few days to let this miserable episode go by the way side, but that is neither here nor there.

The official outcome of what happened is that the very next morning after I sent in that e-mail, I received a phone call from a very nice and understanding lady named Ruth who thought I was kidding when I told her I was going to talk about her. She is the department head for something customer service related (her title slips my brain at the moment) and was able to do whatever it took to fix my problem. A REAL person with REAL authority made a REAL phone call to me to assuage my dissatisfaction, a much needed upgrade from the neanderthaloid monkeys that were sent sicking after me in the first place.

With a touch of common sense and a few key strokes, their problem with my bill was corrected. I was also offered a few dollars credit ($30 or so across the two accounts) and a bunch of gift certificates to Starbucks. Anyone who drinks the vile offerings Starbucks has to offer knows the monetary value of that - for Starbucks is many, many things, but cheap ain't one 'em! I tried to explain to Ruth that I didn't need such things, I really just wanted my bill corrected and my problems to go away - especially in light of the fact that the only real reason I had a problem in the first place was because they did.

One thing Ruth did that I commend highly was follow up with me later. She told me she was going to call me back in a few days to make sure all things were kosher and of course, being the cynical fuck that I am, I disbelieved her. I thought to myself there was no way she was going to call back. I am placated and my bill is fixed, why would she waste the time on a bum shithead like me? So it was to my delight and surprise when she did call back and made sure that all things were golden. The problem with the bill is over and all items have been checked off of the list. Ruth is a savior and very pleasant to deal with. There remains one huge problem though...

See, when I was talking to her on the phone, I asked, "did you see the pictures I attached to my e-mail letter showing that the checks did indeed clear?" Her answer was in the negative. She never saw the e-mail I wrote. She only saw the blog post and that is what lead to her calling.

I'm glad she saw it no matter how she saw it, but that doesn't alleviate the responsibility here. See, that letter is something I am rather proud of and worked very hard on. It is a very well crafted letter as far as I am concerned. I'll admit that I was really just trying to be a smart ass and was hoping that my perverted sense of humor would help light the path for the poor soul that had to deal with the mess they created. The end result was actually funny to me, so I also posted it on the blog here.

Well, the powers and brains that be at Direct Energy didn't respond to the letter I wrote and submitted through their established channels. They did a blog search looking for anyone that may talk publicly about their dissatisfaction with the company. Those are the people that need to be dealt with in a high priority manner which explains the phone call less than twelve hours after posting and the nervous back bending to make things work and make me happy. While Ruth was wonderful and did what should have been done in the very first place, the fact that it was the blog that drew attention is what bothers me most of all out of this. What if I hadn't posted the letter I posted for it's humor on the blog? Do you think I would have gotten such a rapid response? Do you think I would have been dealt such a warm hand?

Ruth had no interest in my photographic proof. She had already dealt me justice and it was all done before I discovered that she had never seen the letter I submitted. She was entirely concerned with the bad rap I gave the company and, although she kept her cards close, I'm no fucking dummy and I could clearly read that she was hoping against hope that I would rescind the diatribe that I posted in such a flagrant and public manner on the blog. She may have had less sinister intentions (and I'm sure she did as I very much liked Ruth) but the underlying root cause of her follow up was to make sure I either removed the offending story or did a follow up piece of writing to explain how nicely things went in the end.

THIS, is bullshit! I am not one of those fuckbags that is perpetually incapable of being pleased. If you give me a million dollars, I am not going to bitch about it not being two. I'm simply not that type of person. But I will say that 1) I never should have had to write any letters in the first place and 2) my letter should have been the catalyst to your vision clearing epiphany, not a publicly posted blog.

Thank you for getting your shit together as a company and fixing your fuck ups, but public harassment and embarrassment will not be necessary if you worry first about the people that don't want to take their minuscule gripes to a public forum. Better luck next time.

And I'm probably gonna piss myself with glee if I get a call in a couple weeks about a letter I sent from some low-rung customer service person who is trying to fix my problem. That will be the icing on the cake and you, dear readers, will be the first to know.

Final lesson : If a company does you wrong and you have a need to complain, do it in public, on a blog, and let them come looking to please you. It works better than polite manners apparently.

Letter to Direct Energy customer service idiots...

Think I'll get what I demand?


Direct Energy,

Hello. My name is Jeff Neely and I am having a bit of trouble with your company and it's customer service over my bill. Here is my situation and my problem - hopefully you will be able to fix the problem once and for all so this never happens again.

I have two separate accounts for electricity through your company. The account numbers are ####### (The shop) and ####### (the house).

A couple weeks ago I was called and informed that my bills due April 9th for both accounts were overdue. (The balances in question are $8.78 for the shop and $236.86 for the house.) The call came from your company's collections department. I was baffled over this as I knew that, like always, my bills were sent in in a timely manner for credit towards my accounts. 32 years and I have never had a late payment on anything - not once ever. A call from a collections department was obviously a shock to me especially in light of the fact that I had sent in my bills for payment and also since it was so close to the due date passing.

At the time of the call, I was surfing the internet and looked up the status of my account myself. Sure enough, both of the checks I had packaged into one neat and tidy envelope for simplicity had been processed (presumably by an employee of your company), checked, and cleared through my bank. The cleared checks are #3080 and #3081 and I have enclosed copies taken from my bank's website to prove the checks have cleared. (Note that both checks have writing on them from someone in your company.) The money for these payments is long gone from my checking account. One of these checks cleared my bank on the 6th of April and the other on the 12th. As they were both in the same envelope, I cannot account for the difference in clearing dates because that is way out of my hands, but it does show that at least one of these checks was indeed received well before the account due date. That's it. My end of the bargain here was complete. Unfortunately, that is only the beginning of the story...

I explained to the nice person on the phone what my situation was. I was told that a bank trace would be issued and the checks would be found and all things would be fixed. No problems. I was very pleasant to deal with and so was the person that called. It was a simple misunderstanding I figured - no harm and no foul.

So some time passes and I thought it was all in the clear. I looked at my account status on the Direct Energy website and noticed that something was clearly wrong in the mix. The check for $8.78 which was to go to the bill for the shop had been located and credited to the wrong account. There remains no sign of the other. It was later that day that the second phone call came to me.

Let me recount to this point...
- I have two separate accounts and paid them both in a timely and prompt manner.
- Somehow there was a mix-up. I was called by a representative of your company and it was pointed out to me. I found proof of the culprit and offered it in my defense. Paperwork filed. Problem solved.
- Check #1 was found and credited, in error, to account #2.
- Check #2 was never found.
- Money for both checks was removed from my account at my bank and taken, presumably by, Direct Energy - but certainly not by myself nor the Bill Boogey Man.

By this point, the bill for the next billing cycle is printed, mailed, and in my possession. I have paid the current amount due minus the "overdue" balance.

The second phone call came yesterday. You are free to check your tape and hear what was said. The call came from your collections department demanding immediate payment of my overdue balance. Again, I explained, very patiently and very politely, what the entire story was. I explained the first phone call, the agreement to do a bank trace, the misfiled $8.78 - basically, I told the man on the phone every single detail possible about my story in a manner even an idiot should not mess up.

After he told me he understood everything I had said to him - that my "overdue" payment had been made and there was obviously a clerical mistake somewhere along the pipeline and that the account, whether or not it showed properly at the moment, had indeed been paid in full prior to the due date, and that the current balance due minus the "overdue" balance was on it's way to your company, he still had it in him to demand payment in full. This is even after he looked at my account and saw that the $8.78 credited to the wrong account was there and in effect offering proof of my testimony. There may be a word or two wrong, but the conversation basically went as follows:

Him: Yes, sir. I understand. But your account shows you owe us (whatever the total is?). How would you like to pay for that?
Me: Are you kidding? I am not going to pay the bill twice. I will send in the amount due currently and it will be on time just like my last bill was.
Him: Yes, sir, but your account shows a balance of...

I don't really remember the rest. I'll admit that while keeping my composure and my very nice demeanor I completely lost my temper and my patience. The poor kid was stupid beyond compassion. Even though I clearly and precisely explained my entire situation to him in language even a child could follow, all he saw was the overdue bill label and he wanted money. He was beginning to get aggressive with me and that is usually not what we folks in this part of the country call a "good idea". Perhaps some better training for your employees would do some good?

He also told me, through numerous demands for money, that to fix my situation I would have to call customer service and speak to someone from that department. Apparently, the only thing this hapless thug was hired for was to be the strong arm of the Direct Energy cartel as he was not hired for his common sense nor was he given the appropriate tools to deal with situations that arise in the process of collecting money such as the situation I am currently faced with. Perhaps if he was better armed for commerce, this would all be over, my blood would not be boiling over, my ire would not have been agitated, and I would not have to be writing this stupid letter at the moment? Oh, but that just was not to be in the cards.

So I called back to customer service. I was on the line for a considerable amount of time and transferred between three different departments before I was cut off. This made me want to kill. Yet again, I kept my cool.

Again I called back. After a lengthy period on hold, I was connected to a very nice lady in customer service and she was intelligent, smart, and helpful. I even enjoyed speaking to her in spite of my growing dissatisfaction with your company. Again, I explained my situation completely and notes were made on my account. I told her that I would get in touch with your company today to completely reiterate my point in accordance with her request. I am holding up my end of the deal and thus the letter.

Hopefully, by the time you read this letter and look at my account all things will be properly corrected and the accounts will reflect the status they should be reflecting and this will be over with as far as that goes. I doubt this will be the case so hopefully, after complete consideration and thorough investigation, this letter will clear things up and my account status will be fixed. This will satisfy all financial obligations and clear up all matters except for one - me. I personally am very dissatisfied with your company and the way the collections department has acted. I do not appreciate being hounded and made to feel guilty of charges I am innocent of. I understand the difficult position this puts you in and I can only imagine how many times the poor folks in your collections department have heard the old "check's in the mail" bit, but I offered immediate proof of my personal innocence and still this situation is being allowed to blossom.

I did some elementary math here and it works out as follows:
- I have spent about two hours of my personal time on the telephone with your employees over this one issue.
- I have spent well over two hours working on this letter

This totals over four hours of my personal time - rounded down for simplicity. Additionally, I have been made to look and feel like a bill-skipping criminal and have had to spend many hours fearing having my electricity service cut off for something that is your fault, not mine. I have had to worry about bad marks appearing on my credit score which would be very bad as I am preparing to buy a house. That's not to mention how much extra effort and emotional suffering will be involved, should such a disparaging remark appear, to remove it. Lord knows that your company will not be the least bit helpful or timely in removing such remarks from my credit report should they appear if your current track record with me is any indication of things that could possibly come.

All of this begs the question: What is my time worth? In an ironic twist of fate, I happen to be a power plant operator at the local power utility. I make $31.07 per hour supplying your company with the goods it sells. This would be $124.28 at my salary. Are you willing to pay me for the time I had to spend correcting your mistakes? I doubt it. Are you willing to pay me for the amount of emotional distress I have been placed under by your company's mistakes? I doubt it. Are you willing to pay me for the anger your half-witted thugs in the collections department have stirred up? I doubt it. I doubt you would offer me any sort of financial recourse for the trouble your inept clerical practices have caused and truthfully, I don't want any money. What I DO want is for my accounts to be fixed and all mention of a late payment of any sort to be removed from the record as there was never anything late to begin with. I would also like a legible, hand written letter of apology to be sent to me apologizing for the trouble this simple little mistake has been allowed to become. I shouldn't have to get angry and belligerent to get things done properly. I would like the letter to include a very heartfelt and sincere "thank you" for me being such an understanding person and keeping my temper and language in check while dealing with your employees. This kindness by me will not last forever and I would hate to really have to start kicking up all manner of hell over something so easy to fix.

When you consider that Cho Sueng-whei managed to kill 33 people and make a trip to the post office in less total time than it has taken me to fix my already paid bill, I don't believe I am demanding too much and considering how much effort I have had to apply so far, a simple hand written letter and a little gumshoe work are not out of line.

I hope this ends my problems with your company and you people manage to get your act together over there because I don't want to have to mess with lawyers and all the scum that floats up with that special class of idiots. Thank you for your time and help.

Sincerely,
Jeff Neely

Rueful Lamentations of a Rueful Lamenter…

I miss you.

I miss your snores that kept me up at night. I miss your nose hair. I miss your horrible farts and the stupid giggles that always followed. I miss your innocence.

I miss the way you always seemed to keep yourself amused. I miss your eternal bemusement with the subtleness of living.

I miss the way you could warm my soul on the coldest of nights. I miss the books you read and the cartoons you watch and how you always wanted to talk for hours on end about the means Wile E. Coyote employed to pay for all the gear he used in his fruitless endeavors.

I miss the way the steam caromed around your lardy shape when you came out of the bathroom after a shower. I miss your bloodied knuckles and dirty handprints – torn jeans and stale cologne.

I miss eating with you. I miss your appetite for life and the pleasure you took in sharing it with me. I miss your darkest hours and your lonely, forlorn sorrows. I miss your bad driving. I miss the beautiful glare that was always deep in your beaming, azure eyes.

I miss your smile. I miss that tinge of appreciation you left me with with every misguided venture I embarked upon. I miss your lofty encouragement. I miss your indignation with the world. I miss your acceptance.

I miss the freedom your company blessed me with. I miss your breath and the heat of your skin. I miss your intelligence.

I miss wasting money on the lottery and I miss all the endless schemes and fantastic fantasies planned for the big day of the big win.

I miss your ugly dog and it’s ugly ways. I miss your cats and I miss hating you because they never seemed to like me.

I miss your bad poetry and I miss your bad jokes. I miss laughing at dead babies and wilted flowers and toothless vagrants and one armed fat ladies with greasy mustaches accused of rape. I miss the loving touch you always had for the unfortunates of this ugly, unfortunate world.

I miss your hatred for kids. I miss they way they used to flock to you like you were a huge mobile playground with a bottomless well of affection and good nature - a pied piper for neglected and overly loved alike. I miss that you never let them know how much you hated them and their squalid innocence.

I miss being on the sidelines and watching with secreted pride as you donned your tights and stepped into the square circle. I miss the loving wink you would float my way to let me know it was all an act. I miss our secrets.

I miss your highs and your lows. I miss your capacity to forgive. I miss bathing in your essence, basking in your warm afterglow when you’d leave for work.

I miss your friends. I miss the way you always seemed to attract the most beautiful people from under the most heinous of rocks and circumstance – life’s forgotten zombies. I miss watching you make people squirm with your questioning stance that’s so deeply engrained in the wrinkles that frame your quizzical eyes. I miss your unfettered honesty.

I miss your reckless abandon and your calculated charm. I miss the nuances of your twisted character. I miss having someone that cares about me and loves me in spite of my abundance of flaws. I miss having someone truly listen to me.

I miss not being judged. I miss your disapproving frown.

I miss having someone I could yell at for no good reason other than to yell. I miss my punching bag and my comfort blanket. I miss my shield, my protector, my life source.

I miss the man that wiped my tears when I cried, held my hair when I barfed, and fed me when I couldn’t do so for myself. I miss your playful spanks and wet willies.

I miss your obscenity and passion for all things you deem right in the world. I miss your solemnness. I miss your dedication. I miss your discipline and determination. I miss your perseverance.

I miss you… Every Single Last Thing About You. God, how I miss you!

Why didn’t I listen to you when you tried so hard to tell me you were unhappy? Why couldn’t I hear? Why didn’t I care? Was my head truly that far up my ass?

I’ll never forget that long and dreadful minute that followed those words that blasted cannon shot in my heart… “It’s over.” I’ll never forget how heavy my breath felt as I fought for the next one. It was as if everything in the world worth cherishing for one reason or another was suddenly ripped from under me as if you were a tablecloth and I was the shiny silverware left to lay bare on a naked table.

I’ll never recover from the sudden fear and loneliness that encapsulated my being when those dreadful words bitch-slapped me like a hooker late with the pimp’s money. It was a wake-up call I never wanted to hear. If only I would have listened. I never heard all the wake-up calls you plastered on every surface of my private little glass house. I never noticed the sun stopped coming through my imaginary windows. I was too blind with my own self-importance to notice, too drunk with my own vaingloriousness to appreciate the depth of the water I was treading in.

I’ve wished a million times over I would have reciprocated your love. I’ve wished a million times over I would have done a million things different to keep you in my life. I was always so selfish like a dark weight on your humanity. I loved you for not being selfish and I ended up hating you for not being more so. I’ve despised you for leaving me cold and dry and I’ve hated myself for letting you walk out.

That day you told me it was over, I should have tried harder. Shit, trying would have been enough. I never did. A million imaginary bullets have parted my face since that horrible day. My veins have been slit by imaginary blades of every shape and degree of sharpness imaginable. I still shudder with dread when I hear the tiny click of a door latch as it enters it’s receptacle. My last vision of you was of your back as that filthy wood slab closed you out of my life forever with the whisper of that atrocious click. Your tears are long washed away, but their stains still blemish my thoughts like acid eating away silently at my leathery skin. They distort my ugly imaginations whenever I see myself in reflection. The Hall of Mirrors we used to love so much at the amusement park has become the Hall of Horrors to me – as dreadful as memories of those two little words being rolled down my ear canals. “It’s over,” you said…

I’m still there, stuck in the happier days of my life – the days I shared with you. Every day is dark and gloomy anymore and without you, I can no longer appreciate the beauty in a storm cloud.

I can’t let go of you. I can’t quit reading your old letters to me because the love they overflow into the room is so full of life and so true and raw and honest. I still check my e-mail hundreds of times a week hoping against hope that someday I will open that empty folder and find a new message there telling me it’s over, it was all an ugly and distorted nightmare and you are still there waiting for me.

I still drive past our old house and look for your car in the driveway. There never will be a replacement for the joy I felt knowing that you were safe in our house and waiting for me to come home so you could throw those massive arms of yours around my neck and tell me breathlessly how much you missed me.

I still flip through all the old pictures I have of us. I still carry in my purse that row of pictures we made on our first date in that silly little photo booth. You were so beautiful, so strong and vibrant in your youth. I fell in love with you that day and that nervous kiss you planted on my ear because you missed my cheek sealed the deal. You became my man that day, and I your woman. We were so innocent.

I still watch our wedding video. Everything was so cheap and so perfect. The girls all dressed in their elegant dresses and the men in their decadent suits all stationed so magnificently against the backdrop of that shoddy church. It was a bargain but it was everything I wanted and you made me happier that day than I’ve been since of before. I still like that you and I were the only ones in tears. Those were my first tears of true joy.

I still remember that day I gave myself to you. You were my first. We were so awkward and sloppy. The smell of our forbidden lust still lingers in my nostrils when there is no breeze around to blow it away. I still remember that feel of your electric skin against mine for the first time, the rush I felt, the elation that swept over me. It never hurt and you were such a gentleman in your caveman way.

I still have the vase from the very first flowers you ever gave me. For the next 15 years that vase was never without a flower in it. I tried, after you left, to fill it’s void with beauty but it never had the same feeling – that vase and it’s assortment of flowers over the years meant nothing without your touch.

I still remember the longing I felt in my heart whenever you had to go to sea. I used to sit and cry while I watched those filthy pets of yours roll around in your dirty t-shirts you left for them to roll around in. I used to be so jealous of those dirty t-shirts that I would cut them to shreds and throw out their remains as soon as you were gone. I never realized your heart and love was my dirty t-shirt.

You gave me everything of yourself and all you wanted in return was love, appreciation, acceptance and understanding. I gave you nothing. All I wanted from you was a baby while you wanted a wife. I wanted a burp rag and you wanted romance. I didn’t notice I quit talking to you late into the night. I didn’t notice I rejected your advances. I didn’t notice the brightness wilt away from your eyes. I didn’t notice we didn’t have sex for months on end.

I didn’t care.

I didn’t care that you were sad and deflated. I didn’t care that you were lonely in my company. I didn’t care that you had needs as a man and a human and I didn’t care that I was squandering away the joyous and beautiful love you gave me. I didn’t care that you, my rock, were slowly being chipped away by my unceasing dejection.

I didn’t listen when you told me how much you missed me when I saw you every day. I didn’t listen when you said you were looking forward to fatherhood. I didn’t listen when you said we had to learn to love each other again. I didn’t realize you were making a plea for me to abandon my careless attitude against you. I didn’t see that I needed to water the tree that was us.

I’m sorry for all I have done to hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry. I pushed you away when you reached out the hardest. I cut you deep and laughed as you slipped in the blood of your emotions. I twirled in your sorrow and danced upon your insecurities. I hated you when you loved me most and I ignored you when shined the light of your heart on mine.

I ignored your calls for help. I ignored your tears. You were the strong one and you had no place else to go. I wish I could have seen you approaching the exit ramp of our life together and flagged you down before you made that slight turn away. I wish your road would have been rockier and given you pause. I’m so sorry.

I wish I would have looked harder at myself before you said good-bye. I wish I would have asked you what was wrong and how I could help make things right again. I wish I had been there for you. I wish I would have thrown you a line instead of watching you drift away. I wish I would have noticed it was my bad currents that were carrying you. I wish I would have noticed it was really me drifting away while you were firmly on dry land.

I did this to me and I hate me for doing it. I hate me for letting me do it and I hate me for not trying harder. I hate everything about me anymore.

I hate I can’t ever have you back. I hate the empty, joyless mornings I have to endure since you left. I hate the man I am with because he isn’t half the man that you were to me. I hate the ugly baby he gave me and I hate the ugly baby’s cries and whimpers.

I hate the boring conversations I have with the boring people I know. I hate the tasteless meals I eat and I hate sunshine. I hate bad jokes and bad poetry and bad movies.

I hate that I had everything to live for and now I have nothing.

My new man loves me and I hate him for giving me a second chance in life…a second chance I don’t deserve. I hate our house and our toys and our furniture. I hate his happiness.

I hate his smells and his noises and his touch.

I hate the way he touches me. I hate it because it’s the same way you used to touch me but it’s devoid of your inherent passion – your searing desire.

I hate that he has no desires in life – no ambitions. No goals. No nothing.

I hate that he has no heart for living.

I hate every last one of his miserable, boorish friends. I hate them because they are not unique and beautiful. They all want to be their neighbors more than they will ever want to be themselves.

I hate that our house has a manicured lawn and that everything in and around it has to be perfect.

I hate my lack of excitement and adventure. I hate that no one cusses and curses and laughs at life’s ugly misfortunes.

I hate that my new man won’t go for a walk in the rain or fuck in the car at a highway rest stop. I hate him for not being playful and spontaneous.

I hate him for not having enough room in his ugly heart for an ugly pet.

I hate him for not having violent emotions tightly bottled and ready to be sprung at a moments notice.

I hate him for not encouraging me to be more than a miserable wife and mother. I hate him for treating me more like a trophy to show to friends than a friend and lover and equal.

I hate the darkness and plainness of his unamazing stare. I hate the gap in his ugly, excessively white teeth. I hate the crookedness of his fake smile.

I hate him for not being you and I hate him because it’s not his fault. I hate this baby because it’s not ours and I hate this baby because it’s not his fault.

But most of all, I hate myself for not having the courage to kill myself when I killed myself with you so long ago.

I’m so…so…dreadfully sorry.

There's just NO motivation to write...

I sit and I try, I honestly do. I just simply can't find anything worthy or worthwhile to write about lately. I am still working tirelessly lately - it's not like I have given up on anything. Thinkg is, I have been concentrating lately more on performing and less on writing. That part is goign well.

What I have been doing as a workout regimen lately is running through my house and doing my schtick in front of my cats. The cats LOVE it. Fortunately, in spite of the warm yet raw reception from the cats, the crowds in the comedy clubs are beginning to notice the difference. I was watching tapes and noticing that there is clearly becoming a difference. I am not so tight and since I'm doing so much practice in front of the silent and unapproving cats, the silent and unapproving comedy club audience is easy to win over because sooner or later, they crack and that crack is the opening I need to slide in.

But all that nonsense doesn't matter because the point of it all is that I am still unable to write a thing lately. I'm still here. I'm still going strong. I just have nothing to say.

Hopefully that will change soon.

Until later...

Still going but...

Just haven't ahd a single thing nice to say lately. That, and I have been working overtime on my house and my comedy lately. I am sooooooo ready to move on to the next level and then some. Things could finally be turning a bit and some of the hard work I have been putting in may soon begin to pay off a bit. That would include the first tv appearance. HOT HOT HOT!
Detail will follow when things begin to pan out.

Until then...

This kills me...

Ever heard of the song called "Walking on Sunshine"?

I'm walkin' on sunshine...
oh oh...
I'm walkin' on sunshine...
yeah....
Don't it feel good?

That happy song from the eighties. Do you know who sings it?

Katrina and the Waves.

Now THAT'S fucking funny.

Until later...

Let's kill some kids!

I'm sure by now that you have heard about the "tragic school shooting incident" in Pennysylvania. That's not what this is about. This is about how to stop it.

I have been reading diligently on every single article I can find about school violence paying particular attention to message boards and forums. Everyone seems to be calling for tougher laws against those that would chose to commit a violent act. That's a pointless thing to do. Truth is, it takes a considerable amount of time for one of these kids (or adults as in two of the last three to make the news) to get to the point that he is willing to do this. When he gets that far, it's already too late and the last thing in the world he will have in his head is the consequences of his actions.

To put it in a different perspective...
Imagine that zit you got on your back last summer. You remember it, that huge fucker that made you scream bloody murder whenever the wind blew even slightly against it. The only way to find relief for yourself is to pop it and let off some of the pressure under it and popping it is a mother fucker too because that hurts like a bastard! The last thing you think about is the blood mess and the gross stuff that somehow manages to find it's way to your mirror. Well, kids that want to go to school and fuck someone up think only about relief. The aftermath is not of concern, it's not even a fucking blip on the radar. The only thing in that kids head (and that kid has more than likely been stewing on it for a long time) is relief. Nothing else matters.

Another thing that alot of people seem to think will solve the problem is to put tougher security in place and to put metal detectors in every school. What the hell is security gonna do? Really, use your head. If a kid wants to plan something like that, the first thing he is gonna do is kill the guard. Don't believe me, ask that dead guard who got shot at a school last year up north. And would you put a metal detector in that one rooom school in PA? What good would that do? And do you really want your kids growing up where they have to constantly be on guard for some bullshit going down? I don't want my kids growing up under a repressive atmosphere with fear and all that. I don't want my kids to be so dependent on security measures that they don't learn to look for danger on their own. I don't want some beaurocratic douche bag security guard pushing my kid around all the time. Leave the strong handed stuff to places where it really is needed. Tougher security and metal detectors is not the answer. Far from it, especially seeing as how this isn't nazi fucking Germany or communist fucking Russia.

Here's the real problem. I have a friend who is in her first year of teaching and she is teaching science at a high school. She is 30 years old. On more than one occasion now, she has been told by her students to go fuck herself. On more than one occasion, it has been pointed out to her that she is nothing more than a teacher and that there is nothing she can do to stop beligerent behavior in her classroom - by the fuck head student. And you know what, that kid is right. If she is to keep her job teaching, she has to talk a certain way to keep from offending students so the school doesn't get sued. She has to act a certain way to avoid lawsuits. She is not allowed to even high five a fucking kid who does well! It's fucking unbelievable!

When I was a kid and there was a school yard fight, every single principal I remember having kept boxing gloves and forced the kids to fight it out. I know. I bullied this one kid once (I wasn't always the angel I portray today) and when the principal got us, he made me hit that kid. I couldn't do it like that so the principal hit me. And he hit me and he hit me and he hit me again. It wasn't fun when someone bigger kicked my ass like that and I distinctly, to this very day, remember that lesson. Thus endeth the bullying. Think a teacher can get away with that stuff today? Hell no! The parents would scream bloody fuck all and get a lawyer and the good teacher would be sumarrily fired. You want to stop school violence, let the teachers have their jobs back. I'm not saying to let them kick the shit out of your kids, but let them do their jobs. The lessons can be taught and the learned and kids can turn out pretty ok. This will allow teachers to deal with thier students and work out problems before one of them turns into a psychotic killer with big guns. And start telling parents to pull their kids or shut the fuck up and then get rid of the lawyers. Better, let the kids shoot them dead. That would be nice.

And to put it in perspective, I have another dude I know who happens to be the principal of the school where all the fuck ups and pregnant kids go. He told me something sort of off the cuff once that I'll never forget. It was this...

"You think schools are good? You think that school board policy makes any sort of sense? Over half my students are either mothers or pregnant and I'm not even allowed to discuss pregnancy or sex in school because of abstinence only rules! Tell me how that makes any fucking sense!!!"

Until later...